Umm I'm too high to move.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
