I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
