i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
