Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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