Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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