Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
