If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
