I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
