I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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