Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
