You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
