so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize