Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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