Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
