Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
