cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
