Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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