My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
