Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
