All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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