he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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