I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
