It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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