Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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