i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
