Umm I'm too high to move.
Please, let me fuck your mom
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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