My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
