Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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