just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
