I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
