Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
