I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
