Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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