I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
