Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
