I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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