I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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