omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
