You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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