wakey wakey hands off snakey
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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