My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
