DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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