when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
