Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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