Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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