Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
be right there i have to get my cape
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
