my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
