Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
