So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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