how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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