Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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