I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
