So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Me too!
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
