Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
