I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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