I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
