Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
