Just cropdusted the office
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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