I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
